Polonius: What do you read, my lord?
Hamlet: Words, words, words.
Polonius: What is the matter, my lord?
Hamlet: Between who?
Polonius: I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.
(Hamlet, II, ii)
As part of The Ironist’s continuing series of articles on language and literature, on literacy for writers and readers alike, we include today one on the subject of unintentional misuse of the language with comic effect, instructional as it is, for all of us are, from time to time, inclined to make careless mistakes in writing, and it is good to be reminded of this unfortunate tendency, in an age when good proof-reading is rare, even among English teachers, as I , sadly, have seen all too often. The following examples are drawn from many sources I used in my English classes over the years, but I am heavily indebted to Richard Lederer’s fine series of books dealing with unintentional bloopers, among them Anguished English, available from good bookstores and at all public libraries. Richard Lederer was for many years himself, like me, a high-school English teacher. I have seven of his anthologies, carefully saved over the years. I used to tell my students, Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I heartily recommend them all to The Ironist’s readers. You might each like to try your hand at correcting these. In the first one below, the writer has substituted his (or her) intended word prostrate for an incorrect word.
What kind of an Ironist are You?
OOPS!
1. The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.
2. To be a good nurse, you must be absolutely sterile.
3. When you breathe you inspire, when you do not breathe you expire.
4. Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
5. In onion, there is great strength.
6. Louis Pasteur invented the cure for rabbis.
7. The queen sat on the thorn for 63 yrs.
8. A parent wrote: “My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him”
9. Please excuse Gloria today She is administrating
10. Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip
11. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
12. Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels
13. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps
14. Teacher, please excuse Cathy for being absent, She was sick and I had her shot.
ACCIDENTAL BLOOPERS
1. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside, He then went to rest in a bush with his rear end showing.
2. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
3. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
4. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
5. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
6. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
7. The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
8. She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
9. I had been driving for about 40 years , when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
10. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way., causing me to have an accident.
WHOLLY HOLY BLOOPERS
1 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement, Friday afternoon.
2 On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.
3 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends
4 For those who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5 The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
6 This being Easter Sunday, we will sk Mrs White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
7 The choir will meet at Mrs Larson house for fun and sinning.
8 Tuesday at 5pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
9 Today… Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality course 1pm till 8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity
10 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community
11 The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s HAMLET in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
12 Don’t let worry kill you off… let the church help
OTHERS
1. Dinner special Turkey $ 2.35
Chicken or beef $ 2.25
Children $ 2.00
2. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
3. Now is the chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
4. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
5. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
6. 3 yr old teacher needed for pre school.
7. Experienced preferred for needed handicapped person.
8. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Locked in vault for 50 yrs, the owner of the jewels has decided to sell them.
11. Do not sit in chair without being fully assembled.
12. It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. (sign outside a temple in Bangkok)
